Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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