If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
