I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
