The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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