my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
