My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Oh god it's open bar.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
