its not stalking. its research.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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