She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
