mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
