420 ftw
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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