Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
