have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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