Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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