Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
