So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
