hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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