i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
