Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
