Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
