marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
