I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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