dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
