A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
