This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
