You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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