I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
