Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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