Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
