We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
