his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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