Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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