M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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