Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Life is so much better after having sex.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
