Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
