bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
