so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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