She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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