i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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