I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
