You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
