Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
BRING THE BAGELS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
