her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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