I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize