These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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