she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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