what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
