sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
