i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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