I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
