we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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