You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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