are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
