Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize