my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
