you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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