I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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