Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
