I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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