I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
