I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize