i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
