first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Michael Bay diarrhea
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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