i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
