I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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