I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
